That couldn't be farther from the truth for me. You have never made me miserable except when we are apart. I will never forget how happy you made me or how much I loved you through the bad times and the good. I will never stop loving you and I will never forget you. I never could.
I told you once before that I took down my wall for you. That I never want to put it back up. I don't know if you will ever read this, but I hope you do. I am about to bare it all.
Sometimes you would not get everything from me. Sometimes you would get pushed away by my natural defenses. I would fight so hard at keeping them down, but sometimes they were too strong. I couldn't just turn them off. That is, until the day of my birthday and the days leading to our 6th month anniversary. Without saying it, you made me feel more loved than I have ever felt in my life. Without doing anything, the look in your eyes made me feel safer than my defenses had ever kept me. That day, I knew for sure you were who I wanted to be with for better or for worse... through the thick and the thin.
You had asked me if I was just wanting to stay with you because I wanted someone to marry or because I didn't want to be alone. I always told you that it wasn't the case. I don't know if you ever believed that or not, but it's true. I didn't just want someone. I wanted you and no one else. I cannot lie and say that I did not dream of spending the rest of my life with you. I will not deny that you are the woman I love. I do have patience though, and I would never rush that.
I have never cried in my life like I have when I am without you. I have never felt as complete as I do with you in my arms. Not kathy, nor any other girlfriend I have ever had in the past. You are the only one that has made me feel this way. You reminded me what it was to love in the true sense of the word. You reminded me what it means to give it all away and be completely vulnerable. I don't want any of that back. I don't want to have a hard front anymore. I don't want to be without you. I don't want to start over and forever move on.
I don't want anyone else. I don't want to go through life without you. I care about you so much. You are my angel. You are my sunflower. I can't just let go. Please don't move on. Please don't leave me behind.
Please remember all our smiles, our hugs, our kisses. Please remember support and forgiveness. I know we had some rough spots. I know that times were tough, but I can't throw in the towel. I can't give up on that feeling that I have had ever since I first met you. That feeling like there was a reason you and I met, a reason you and I were meant to be together. I can't give up on you and how you make me feel. I am willing to do whatever it takes.
I am writing this for you and I want the whole world to know how much I love you. I would scream it at the top of my lungs, if I knew you wouldn't mind. I want no one but you. When you stopped by today, you said you needed space. You have it and you have me waiting here for you if you ever decide you want me back. I will do my best to not contact you and I will leave our fate in your hands.
If I never hear from you again, I will never know the answer. I am leaving anonymous posting enabled on my journal. If you ever do read this, please reply here or call my cell. To anyone else that reads this, please respect me and do not reply to this entry.