Tim (visions) wrote,

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something to remember

this is something that I have told pretty much no one except my closest friends and something I have rarely even said. however, I feel the need to say it. I am not looking for sympathy, nor am I looking for help. I just feel like speaking.

I have an undiagnosed heart condition. effectively, I have mild heart attacks for no apparent reason at all. I black out, sharp pains, heart stops beating... then a few seconds later... my heart starts again. I have been checked out and no problems were found. no explanation given.

during one visit, it happened while being examined. I was hooked up to some machine when it happened, and the doctor got some readings. a few weeks later, I was called in and told that if things continue at the rate that they are.. my heart will deteriorate in 3 years to the point that I will need a transplant.

I don't believe them. I refused to be put on the waiting list. I walked out of the office. I never went back.

I did not do so out of stupidity, but I did do it out of spite. my body has always been fucked up. ever since I was born there have been complications. it has made it this far, and if it wants to give up.. then so do I.

I hope that they were wrong. I hope that I am alive to turn 23. each day though, my heart acts stranger... each day though... I fear that they were right. I have never feared death, but now... I crave life.

so if in the end I do die... if they were right... I just wanted to say for once, that I have enjoyed life.
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