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Nov. 5th, 2000 | 12:13 am

have you ever had a night where you arent quite sure where your life is going, or where it has already been? that was the jist of tonight. i felt like i was in a repeat cycle of some aweful record. i went out to the bars, saw 2 ex's... had the girl i am dating not show up... and just started doing a lot of thinking about what i want and where i am going.

it was kinda weird seeing my one ex there. i had actually thought about her a few days before... wondered how she was doing and stuff like that. she seemed to be happy which is a good thing. i was a little harsh when i broke up with her, but i was tired of her using me and i thought that someone else (although i had no idea who) would treat me better. a somewhat silly reason, i guess. the funny thing is though, i could have easily worked on it with her, tried to make things better... but i didnt want to put in the effort. hell, i was scared to put in the effort.

i think i am too tired of the whole dating thing to care anymore. i am also not in the mood to put the time in required to truly make a good relationship because frankly it doesnt make sense. i am graduating in may and moving far away... why bother working really hard to make something work that will just be torn apart and destroyed when i move away? it seems silly to say the least.

maybe this all means something. looking back at my past relationships, i realize that a lot of time... i just run away. will i ever truly commit to someone? will i ever spend the time to make a relationship work? i think so, but i dont think that time is now. once i am settled, out of school.. in a steady job... then, i will put in the effort. at that time, i will have a reason to. i am too afraid of pouring my heart and soul into something, for it to end because of me moving away for work or whatever. i wont let myself get hurt like that.

there were some good points to tonight though. i was hanging out with friends and that is always good. for some reason though, it just felt a little empty... a little off. i also ran into Suzie... who I hadnt seen in a long time (over a year). we used to talk all the time and i miss that. she is a cool girl. i had to cut our catching up short though, because my friends were leaving. i emailed her though, and told her to drop me a line when she had some spare time and we could finish catching up. it was nice seeing her again.

oh, while i was at the bar... oasis' wonderwall came on. jem asked "what the hell is a wonderwall anyway?" i scared myself in a way with my response. my answer was, "it is that one person in the world that makes it possible for you to let your guard down and still feel protected, still feel safe." i am not sure if oasis meant this or not in there song, but maybe they did. regardless, i want my wonderwall. :(

so now, i contemplate what i want to do at the moment. should i watch tv or a movie here? should i continue typing? should i go over to jem's and watch a movie? should i go to sleep? hrm.

bleh. too much thinking.

i think i will go numb my mind with some tv or a movie and then i will come back, think some more... maybe write some more... and listen to jem's cd finally. wish me luck.

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Comments {2}


from: jemmo
date: Nov. 4th, 2000 11:40 pm (UTC)

i completely understand the concept of not knowing where going or have been. i have analyzed the past year of my life a thousand times over always coming to the conclusion that i don't think i could have done it any other way, yet i always feel like somehow i made a wrong turn and my life is somewhere way back on another path. i'm sorry that you don't feel like you can be happy with someone knowing that you're going to cali after graduation. it's funny that i listened to the concept of a wonderwall and at least last semester you would certainly fit that definition for me. i agree tonight felt off, i think that's probably my fault, but i'm in a freaked out mood as watching the movie on your couch yesterday reminded me of watching the 13th floor and given the present company i was so incredibly sad i just wanted to drown into the fabric and not come out again. i'm sorry for cutting you short with your friend, but christina really wanted to go especially since she has to be up early (of course she didn't tell me this til we got home) i knew she wanted to go though just by a sight look in her eye when she asked (we were at one point exceedingly close friends so...) again sorry. i hope you listen to my cd, it actually really hurt my feelings that you hadn't listened to it already. i know it is very different from what you would normally listen to, but none-the-less i hope you like it.

*smiles & love*

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from: ex_anorexia
date: Nov. 16th, 2000 05:37 pm (UTC)

Jemmo sounds kewl. I don't think I have ever had a friend who would write back and be so honest and open like that. Sounds like a good friend!
I like your definition of wonderwall. I don't think I've ever had one of those either. *sigh* I'll shut up now.

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