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rules. games. refreshments anyone?

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Oct. 5th, 2004 | 11:54 pm

Dating is such a peculiar act. You meet someone, talk to them, figure out if there is chemistry.. similar interests... things like that. You size up your interest, decide what you want to do about it, and then see if they concur. All in all, it is an odd notion.

So, with being in the dating pool again, I have realized a few things. One, I am old-fashioned. I do the opening doors thing. The standing up when they come back or leave the table. The paying for the meal thing... etc etc. Apparently some of the things I do are not normal these days. Guys don't stand up when a girl gets up to use the bathroom, as an example. While I don't do it all the time, I try to make the extra effort. It is an old time respect thing.

I am old-fashioned when it comes to my mindset as well. I don't like dating around. I don't like having random sex. I like there to be feelings attached. I like to know the person. I like to feel like there is a future. Apparently, that is also not common.

I also came quickly to realize that I don't know the "rules" of dating anymore. What is okay, what isn't. When one is supposed to call, when one isn't. Things like that. The weird part, I think that in the end, I don't like rules. I don't propose anarchy for dating, but if I like someone, then I want to be able to call them the next day. If I want to hold hands with that person, and it seems right, then by all means I should be able to hold hands or hug or kiss (assuming they are willing). There are funny rules though. Like, you can't kiss on the first date. You can't have sex on the first date either. Which, hey, I am perfectly fine with... you know, because I would like to know the person. :) However, some of the other rules are silly. Like the 3 day rule. Screw 3 days. :)

I am a guy, and when I watch sappy romantic scenes in movies... I get all sappy as well. That's okay. I can admit it. At the end of the comedy American Pie 3, during the dance of the wedding, I could think nothing other than... "I wish I had someone to dance with like that. I want to make someone that happy." In Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I couldn't help but have renewed faith in things working out in the end. I couldn't help but wish that someone would take me with all my faults and still love me for who I am. That in the end, together we would work things out and that love would conquer all. Maybe it will.

We have to get over the first hump and find that special someone though. So, I vote that we stage a coup d'etat. No, not on the government.. on the rules of dating. Let's change the policy. Let's give each other a chance to find that sappy movie scene ending. Let's accept each other for our faults, for our differences. Let's treat each other with respect and love and let's not let anyone else tell us how we should do that.

So, guys if you want to, get the doors for ladies. Pull out their chairs. Buy them dinner. Stand up from the table when they get up to go to the bathroom. Listen to what they have to say, and actually be interested and talk back. Give them a hug or a kiss if it feels right, don't try to cop a feel. Tell them you are going to call them tomorrow, and then actually do it. Tell her what you think or how you feel, you don't have to be a manly man with no feelings... playing it "cool". Give her the chance to start fresh with you and feel okay doing so. She may let you stay around.

Ladies, if you can, give us guys a break. Don't punish us for all the past guys you dated. Don't measure us up and compare us to other prospects. Go with the flow, if you like us, let us know... it is okay to say what you think and how you feel. If you like us, re-arrange things and make time to see us again. I know we are all busy, but what in life is ever more important than love (or potential for it)? I know for the ladies you fend off guys' advances all the time. That you have to be picky and screen. Let your guard down though, there are good guys out there that are waiting to make you swoon.

Or, am I alone on this? I am taking the first step, you are welcome to follow.

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Comments {111}

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Journal to the Center of McGuirk

(no subject)

from: skaffa
date: Oct. 6th, 2004 04:56 am (UTC)
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definently right. good luck w/ the ladies, man. you'd be a good catch.

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Oct. 6th, 2004 06:14 am (UTC)
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hehe. hopefully luck shines my way.

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randomosity

(no subject)

from: mophilda
date: Oct. 6th, 2004 05:41 am (UTC)
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your posts make a small part of my heart smile.

best of luck to you, dearheart. you have wonderful intentions.

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Oct. 6th, 2004 06:15 am (UTC)
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only a small part?

and thanks for the good wishes. :)

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gentlerose

I give up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

from: gentlerose
date: Oct. 6th, 2004 07:05 am (UTC)
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This is the third tine I tried to leave a complimentary comment. However, LJ has an appetite it seems for my posts!

Just wanted to say you are appreciated, your parents did a wonderful job raising you.

I am ending here, before LJ realizes I tried again!!!!!!!! ;o)

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gentlerose

Re: I give up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

from: gentlerose
date: Oct. 6th, 2004 07:08 am (UTC)
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That was the third "time". Sorry for any other spelling errors just trying to get it out before it became desert!

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SuperStar

(no subject)

from: bench
date: Oct. 6th, 2004 07:19 am (UTC)
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we are kinda old fashioned here in my part of the world. our women think that it makes the men more endearing and romantic if they behave in such a way.

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Oct. 6th, 2004 02:14 pm (UTC)
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well, that's good. here they tend to think we are assholes who just want to get laid. :-\

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bobbie

(no subject)

from: eventide
date: Oct. 6th, 2004 11:19 am (UTC)
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if you men would stop flat out ignoring us after leading us on & making us think you were interested, i'd certainly have renewed faith in men.

i don't like a lot of the rules either. or necessarily that if i'm more forward, guys take it to mean that i'm trying to get laid.

i've *never* had a good experience with sex on the 'first date'. but i never believed it was wrong. it just seems to blow up in my face most of the time. & i've done it more than once.

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Oct. 6th, 2004 02:15 pm (UTC)
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yes, the coin does flip both ways.

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Kerrie

(no subject)

from: thisipromiseu03
date: Oct. 6th, 2004 01:43 pm (UTC)
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I have to say that I very much agree with you. I guess I'm some what "old fashioned" as well. I'm lucky; my "boyfriend" does all that sweet stuff,too. (minus the standing up thing, that would get annoying after a while) Most guys really should ignore that stupid "rule" about waiting three days. If I went on a date with a guy and he didn't call me the next day, I'd think he wasn't interested and move on.

The guy I'm kinda-sorta seeing(a lot of feelings are there) has a very big problem with calling me back... I really hate that. (its a very long distance thing, so yeah...)

I'm beginning to think that it all depends on what part of the country (world) you're from. Like most men from the south are very gentlemen-like, most guys from the west coast wanna just date around, and so forth.

oh, and by the way... how've you been? I haven't spoke to you in forever. :)

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Oct. 6th, 2004 02:19 pm (UTC)
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well, i am in the midwest. not sure what we are here. somewhere in between i guess?

i've been okay. just working a lot and such.

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(Deleted comment)

Tim

Re: Wow

from: visions
date: Oct. 6th, 2004 07:09 pm (UTC)
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hehe. just keep going.. just keep going.. :)

*laughs*

anyway, thanks. you can always let her know i am a good guy. word of mouth from women helps. :-D

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(no subject)

from: starringjlu
date: Oct. 6th, 2004 05:16 pm (UTC)
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;)

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Oct. 6th, 2004 07:10 pm (UTC)
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what are you winking at jess? :-p

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(no subject)

from: wonderzy
date: Oct. 6th, 2004 05:41 pm (UTC)
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Yea the world would be a better place if guys just called when they say they will. heh

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Oct. 6th, 2004 07:10 pm (UTC)
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you have to make sure you give them the right phone number. ;)

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Precious Illusions

(no subject)

from: cdn_angel
date: Oct. 6th, 2004 06:27 pm (UTC)
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Ya know i was just thinking about the whole dating game myself the other day and i also realized that i don't know how the game is played anymore either.
What i do know is that I respect myself and I am also not into the whole random sex thing either.It makes me mad when guys want to take a lady such as myself and try and turn me into a whore.I realize that they can't do that unless i let them,but they still try.
I know there are some good guys out there that aren't gay but I can't seem to find them.
I don't intentionally punish all guys for my past experiences.I do have trust issues and I find it difficult to trust what anyone says to me,but I am trying.
Anywho i just wanted to drop a line and say that I too don't know how to play the dating game and if anyone out there knows the rules,please let me know!!!!
l8r

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Oct. 6th, 2004 07:11 pm (UTC)
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heh. we could set up a write-in poll. :)

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Heather

(no subject)

from: bombquita
date: Oct. 6th, 2004 08:16 pm (UTC)
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I think that its important to be who you really are and if a girl doesn't accept it, you'll find one that does.

I honesty think that your actions are kind and sweet. Yes, I don't think its something that you see too much with our generation (old fashion), but I for one would be tickled if some guy did that for me.

What you said was really deep....and its something that's been on my mind too. If a guy calls me on the 3rd day, I won't talk to him b/c he just proved to me that he's all about the games. ITs a game that I don't care to play ya know?

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Oct. 6th, 2004 08:27 pm (UTC)
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if you don't play the game though, you can't date. i just vote we change the rules.

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783

(no subject)

from: aem783
date: Oct. 6th, 2004 08:34 pm (UTC)
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No. You're not alone on this! My boyfriend is such a gentleman, and I definitely see a future with him.... Thing is, girls nowadays don't know class. But hey- that let me snag a good one!

Good luck dating!
~Hilary

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Oct. 6th, 2004 09:21 pm (UTC)
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heh. yay for you. now i need to find someone to snag me. *goes swimming*

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(no subject)

from: suzook242
date: Oct. 6th, 2004 09:09 pm (UTC)
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good luck with your coup ...

i definately agree that games are incredibly stupid. things would be so much easier if people spoke their minds and followed their hearts.

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Oct. 6th, 2004 09:31 pm (UTC)
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and not their fire pants? ;)

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M

(no subject)

from: merehaswings
date: Oct. 6th, 2004 11:02 pm (UTC)
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i wouldn't knock sex on the first date too soon! Dan and i had it. :) and guess who's never been happier?

but overall "the rules" were invented by people who can't get any and are bitter about it.

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Oct. 6th, 2004 11:23 pm (UTC)
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haha. well, hmm. the thing that surprises me a lot is that dan, of all people, seems like the type that wouldn't be up for sex on the first date. with his workshops and all.

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Cris

(no subject)

from: undecisiveone
date: Oct. 7th, 2004 12:08 am (UTC)
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..now why do you live so far away? haha

..if only more guys thought like you, seriously.

you are wonderful .. you'll make someone very happy.

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Oct. 7th, 2004 01:43 am (UTC)
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i hope that i have made people happy in the past.

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There should be more of you out there

from: bitterangel81
date: Oct. 7th, 2004 01:38 am (UTC)
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I wish that more guys were like you. I'm one of the old-fashioned girls that oftens finds herself disappointed. You've renewed my faith somewhat today...I thank you for that...maybe all hope is not lost if guys like you do still exist.

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Tim

Re: There should be more of you out there

from: visions
date: Oct. 7th, 2004 01:55 am (UTC)
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well, guys like me need to meet girls that want that? :)

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.:. Undefined .:.

(no subject)

from: crazeespain
date: Oct. 7th, 2004 01:49 am (UTC)
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Marry me - NOW!

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Oct. 7th, 2004 02:15 am (UTC)
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you don't even chat with me on AIM. why should i accept your proposal now? :(

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SoulAngel 6

(no subject)

from: astralscorp_13
date: Oct. 7th, 2004 02:12 am (UTC)
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hehe yeah it was kind of cute
lmao and funny
hehe I'm SCORPIO I have a sense of humour

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Oct. 7th, 2004 02:15 am (UTC)
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:)

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And She Will Be Loved

thank you

from: shellepooz
date: Oct. 7th, 2004 05:26 am (UTC)
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you are truly amamzing. I have had two bad relantships in the past 7 years. I have learned from both of them. But I was starting to think I was crazy for wanting all this and expecting this from a male. I guess there are a few guys out there yet who believe and want what I do. I thought the same thing at the wedn of American Wedding. Amazing. We should chat sometime. Inspire me more.

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Tim

Re: thank you

from: visions
date: Oct. 7th, 2004 05:28 pm (UTC)
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that sounds like a tall order. i am not sure if i can inspire on demand.

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Bruce Guyatt

Wow a lot of posts!

from: btuba21
date: Oct. 7th, 2004 04:38 pm (UTC)
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I am all for tossing the "rules" out. In life there are no rules so why is there rules to dating?? I feel that if I like the guy that I go on a date with then you better believe that I am going to be calling them back the next day. I will also add that I am a hopeless romantic and I am not ashamed to admit it. I would love to give someone flowers, candy, and a walk along the beach but just when I find that guy that I think "MIGHT" be worthy of such, he turns out being a big fat JERK!! *scream!!* Though I still move on ever searching for love and wearing my heart on my sleeve for all to crash when they feel like it. yeah I am a little bitter! lol

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Tim

Re: Wow a lot of posts!

from: visions
date: Oct. 7th, 2004 05:30 pm (UTC)
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i think we should get t-shirts, with a heart on the sleave.

then, people will know. and they won't hurt us.

... or maybe they will just think we are in a biker gang?

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Joey Ortega

Right On...

from: wazzupdude04
date: Oct. 7th, 2004 08:55 pm (UTC)
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I totally agree with everything you've written. I open the doors. I try and buy the dinners, but that's hard when you eat dinner with a feminist, but nonetheless, cheaper. I've always thought the whole formality of dating was rather boring. I've lived life and I know what I want in a girl. What good would dating a person who is nothing like what I want do for me, anyway?

Now, I'll admit it though... I actually watch those movies and cry. Eternal Sunshine... amazing. I was so perplexed by it's beauty that I didn't even notice I was crying. American Wedding made me cry the first time I saw it, too. Big Fish, although that has nothing to do with dating, makes me cry. See it if you haven't....

Talk to you later... Good Luck... You're not alone.

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A voice from the past

from: zdroopie
date: Oct. 8th, 2004 04:52 pm (UTC)
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Well dating was never supposed to be easy, and I never thought of it as odd, just another deal you make with someone. You see if you have common interests etc.. and then well see if those common interests build into something more eventually leading to a signing of a contract, marriage or life partners.
I think it is incorrect to call yourself old fashioned, from what I have known of you, that is not accurate. I would say the correct word is gentleman, and unfortunately there are few and far in between now adays. As for ladies giving us guys a break, well we would have to do the same for them. We as people are a culmination of our past experiances and we would make the same mistakes if we did not learn from them. The draw back to this being that we may mistaken a benign action as malignant due to those experiances.
The trick to all this is to find the person that you can work with and is willing to invest with you to build a relationship. Without such investment there is nothing to work with.

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Tim

Re: A voice from the past

from: visions
date: Oct. 8th, 2004 07:13 pm (UTC)
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i agree 100%, which is why i said both need to do things. :)

i miss you zaid. how are things with you? email me your new number, the one i have doesnt work anymore. we shall catch up.

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only_those_eyes

(no subject)

from: only_those_eyes
date: Oct. 12th, 2004 12:27 am (UTC)
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Hey, I came across ur journal.
You seem like a wicked sweet guy.
Mind adding me?

-Steph

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Oct. 12th, 2004 01:21 am (UTC)
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thanks. i'll check out your journal.

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common

from: starzafar
date: Oct. 12th, 2004 03:18 am (UTC)
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It's good to know that u have an "old-fashioned mindset". Though it is more common than you think, sticking to your "old-fashioned" ways is the way to go! later :)

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Tim

Re: common

from: visions
date: Oct. 13th, 2004 02:50 pm (UTC)
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it doesnt seem common at all, but hey, if more people out there are like that, then i couldnt be happier!

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Frenchie tales, Myths and Legends

(no subject)

from: lafemmeluna
date: Oct. 13th, 2004 06:13 am (UTC)
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Wow. It's extremely rare to come across a guy who thinks as you do. O_O Your view on dating is much appreciated and I share it although I am, of course, a female. LOL. I found your journal through onlyundiesclub and couldn't believe that I'd come across a male who didn't salivate over g-strings. You are, indeed, a throwback...thank God! Please, please, please don't ever change or let the crap of life muddy up your optimism. There are too few of you out there.

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Oct. 13th, 2004 02:49 pm (UTC)
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thanks. it is a bit ironic what originally brought you here. :)

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