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Oct. 13th, 2003 | 12:57 am

i hate what has become of the things that i held so dearly. i hate that i cannot speak to the one that i wanted to speak to from the moment i met her. i hate that she is not in my life anymore. there is no other way though. so with that, i must live in whatever form that is.

tonight was filled with boredom, happiness, sleep, and now tears. the happiness was in the form of release. the fact that i can see beauty in life and in the world. but that happiness led to tears and those tears fall from my eyes now. they are tears of pain and they are tears which i should not shed.

however, i must admit. that they are tears that i will forever shed. they are tears that i will always have inside. they are the pure release of the things that i held so close and so dear. they are the tears of letting go of dreams.

they are my tears. they are for me.

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Comments {41}

(no subject)

from: udp
date: Oct. 13th, 2003 02:11 am (UTC)
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Don't mean to sound like a mean bastard or anything, but have you considered many of us have experienced exactly what you appear to be experiencing right now, and have handled it differently?

Seriously, man, it's life, it will deal you harsh fucking knocks, and I think what you have had to deal with is trivial in comparison to what some other people have to deal with on a daily basis.

A little alternative perspective might be healthy. Of course, I try not to retreat into ironic detachment, and my love losses have stimulated a little vitriolic patch, but you've got to see the funny side!

Try reading Irvine Welsh. That helped me. Or Iain Banks. Dour cunts the pair of them, but they know what's what!

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Oct. 13th, 2003 12:53 pm (UTC)
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yeah but then again, i am not here to compare.

i mearly state how i feel.

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Sheila

(no subject)

from: singer4life
date: Oct. 13th, 2003 07:37 am (UTC)
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If this girl you so love causes you this much pain then she isn't worth it because she obviously isn't in pain from what I read in your journal. Dude move on but slowly.

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Oct. 13th, 2003 03:06 pm (UTC)
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i don't doubt that it hurts her as well, but i guess i wasn't as big of a part of her life as she was in mine.

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Sheila

(no subject)

from: singer4life
date: Oct. 13th, 2003 04:57 pm (UTC)
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yea but look at it as her loss shes losing a great good person

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Oct. 13th, 2003 06:17 pm (UTC)
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that she is... but i am losing the woman i loved.

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Sheila

(no subject)

from: singer4life
date: Oct. 14th, 2003 07:34 am (UTC)
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I'm sorry things will get better don't you worry :)

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Jennifer

(no subject)

from: _chix0r_
date: Oct. 13th, 2003 08:05 am (UTC)
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Everybody has their own pain to deal with, in their own way. Besides, this is YOUR damn journal,
you can write whatever the hell you want. Instead of letting things bounce around inside your head
until they drive you nuts, I think it's definitely better to write them down, to get them out.

I've been there myself (one BF for almost *5* years -- I thought I was going to marry him, and one,
very recent for 2.5 years), and it sucks, and there's not much you can do except lean on your friends
and allow them to take you out to do things to help distract you. In the beginning, it sucks every
minute of every single day.

The smartest thing I did was go to the one person that I knew would truly understand, his GF just up
and decided one day that she didnt want to be with him anymore. He gave himself to her totally, and it
was painful for me to see him in such pain for the months after that, but it was something he had to go
through, for however long necessary. He was the one that said, "yes it's totally cliche, but 'time' is the only
thing that helps heal this sort of thing", time which passes more quickly with good friends to help
distract you. Even 6 months later he would've been willing to take her back, despite all that she had done
to hurt him. Between the 7th and 8th month was when he finally realized that the chances were that she would
do this again to him, and there was no way he could deal with that kind of pain twice.

Your S.O. becomes part of every aspect of your life, so damn near everything you do & everywhere you go
reminds you of that person, which just opens the wound all over again. It sounds like she was not ready
for you at this point in her life. I broke a few hearts myself a few years ago because I just had no
sense of how much of an effect I had on other people and their lives. You seem like a great catch
from what I've seen [read] so far, so you are doing yourself a disservice by being with someone who can't
appreciate all that you have to give. No matter how much you love someone, you cannot [for the most part]
change how or what they think about things (including about you).

Hang in there, it will get better (maybe not for many months, or even a year or two), I promise.

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Oct. 13th, 2003 03:13 pm (UTC)
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I broke a few hearts myself a few years ago because I just had no
sense of how much of an effect I had on other people and their lives.


i don't think it can be said any better than that. i don't think she will ever truly realize how much she meant to me in the short amount (at least in the big picture) of time we were together. i don't think that she will ever realize how much of an affect she had.

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One step at a time

from: lovelyladybug
date: Oct. 13th, 2003 10:40 am (UTC)
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Healing takes time. Try to concentrate on what you still have in your life that makes you happy like your friends and family. Just keep your head held high and slowly you'll get through it.

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Tim

Re: One step at a time

from: visions
date: Oct. 13th, 2003 03:14 pm (UTC)
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sadly, each step is like walking on broken glass. every time i try to let go of her, it hurts twice as bad.

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M

(no subject)

from: merehaswings
date: Oct. 13th, 2003 08:31 pm (UTC)
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i'm sorry it eats away at you like this. it has happened to me. of course i don't know exactly how you feel, but i have very clear, definite memories of a whole year of my life being one long winter - only hazes of gray, i remember throwing myself against the wall, landing on my knees, sobbing and begging for the love he could never give me.

really it was quite pathetic. but when you finally get free of it - it is the purest bliss. look forward to that.

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Oct. 13th, 2003 08:41 pm (UTC)
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thank you mere... and yeah, i know it is pathetic... :-\

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Phebe Rambonga

(no subject)

from: evilxtasy
date: Oct. 15th, 2003 09:51 am (UTC)
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When a relationship ends, its not so much the ending that hurts, but the discovery that you loved the other person more than they loved you.

Ive carried that quote with me in my wallet for some time now. It always seemed to help dull the sting of love lost just a bit. I dont know where it came from or who its by, but I leave it here now in hopes that somehow it will comfort you as it always did me.

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Oct. 15th, 2003 11:15 pm (UTC)
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that quote rings so true in this case.

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Jen

hello

from: jens_enchanted
date: Oct. 15th, 2003 07:54 pm (UTC)
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Hi Im misstree's friend ive been reading through your journal and i understand what you are feeling.This month makes it a year that i walked away from a 11year relationship so if you ever need to talk,advise,or vent drop me a line Im on ever day if it wasnt for the computer id go crazy! You seem like such a nice person.your poetry blows me away! I can say time does help i aint going to lie i still cry once in awhile and yes it does hurt when the other acts like you never existed or expects you to turn your feelings completly off.So if you ever want to talk let me know stay strong ok it does slowly get better things always happen for a reason belive me even if they dont seem write or fare at the time they will ,take care Jen

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Tim

Re: hello

from: visions
date: Oct. 15th, 2003 11:21 pm (UTC)
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thanks. at least in your situation, you had mutual love. i have nothing.

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(no subject)

from: rity
date: Oct. 16th, 2003 02:11 pm (UTC)
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how beautiful that you have experienced a love like this. That you were able to open up and become vulnerable to what you now feel. I've never been in love. But how can I fall in love when I push people away? These tall walls that sound my heart, that guard me with out even glancing my way to see if i am willing to embrace whatever it may bring. The walls make a choice for me without my consent. automatically I push people away. While my heart silently screams at those walls to step aside and let it be the judge of what is allowed in, my mind says ... change is inevitable, nothing last forever. You will be fine … I long to feel the pain you now feel or do I...

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"Kali"

In Memoriam

from: loveulikeasong
date: Oct. 16th, 2003 10:08 pm (UTC)
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"I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."

Tennyson(as I'm sure you know)



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Tim

Re: In Memoriam

from: visions
date: Oct. 16th, 2003 10:46 pm (UTC)
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and depending on the day, one can argue that either way.

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"Kali"

Re: In Memoriam

from: loveulikeasong
date: Oct. 17th, 2003 05:52 am (UTC)
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Yeh, believe me, I know.

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Tim

Re: In Memoriam

from: visions
date: Oct. 17th, 2003 07:34 am (UTC)
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today marks the one month point of our seperation, not a night has passed that i havent cried myself to sleep.

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"Kali"

Re: In Memoriam

from: loveulikeasong
date: Oct. 17th, 2003 08:29 am (UTC)
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I could provide words of advice and well-wishes, but I know from experience they will not lessen your pain. "Time" will be your greatest ally as well as your greatest opponent through this.

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Tim

Re: In Memoriam

from: visions
date: Oct. 17th, 2003 08:39 am (UTC)
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time is the enemy i have fought my entire life.

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Raven W. Amos

Excuse My Straight-Forwardness...

from: ravenamos
date: Oct. 17th, 2003 03:22 am (UTC)
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Probably not the _best_ time to give you compliments, yes, but I'm not one known for tact.

You are _quite_ the looker. ;)

I've been spying on you through LJ every now and again and I'm sorry to hear what you're going through.

I'm currently in a relationship which is slowly driving me insane - quite literally. I'm going on anti-depressants, which I've never needed up until now, despite my bipolar-ness. However, despite all the pain and suffering, I feel like I can't get out of said relationship. I love the asshole too much.

Different pain, yes, but you aren't the only one that hurts. I hope you find what you're looking for...

- Raven W. Amos, Misanthrope, artist, and Light-Bringer.

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Tim

Re: Excuse My Straight-Forwardness...

from: visions
date: Oct. 17th, 2003 07:33 am (UTC)
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thanks. i hope your situation works out better than mine.

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MiCheLLe

(no subject)

from: ooxmichixoo
date: Oct. 17th, 2003 11:49 am (UTC)
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I am sorry you lost her. I kno how much you must be hurting inside but just be strong "Things will be okay in the end. If they are not okay, then it is not the end." I put you on my friend list. Feel free to do the same.

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Sugar

time

from: sgrsgr
date: Oct. 18th, 2003 07:34 am (UTC)
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I am sorry to hear what you are going through, time will make the pain easier to bear, but it never goes away. I have been there a couple of times. I don't cry for them anymore, but it still hurts. Sometimes I think that I should just stop trying to love. You are blessed to have so many friends that care. If you want to talk, or just yell and scream, or even just be, feel free to send me a message ICQ#3928702, or yahoo m1g0dd3ss. I am wondering if I can ask you a question. If she was truly not happy in your relationship, would it be better if she stayed and pretended, or is it better that she chose to end it?

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~MissTree~

(no subject)

from: misstree75
date: Oct. 18th, 2003 01:32 pm (UTC)
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Damn dude.. I wish that was all I had to worry about. You need to read my journal. You have no idea what pain really is.
Look at other people. See how bad other people are. Then look at yourself. You'll see how really trivial this all is.
I've had my heart broken at least 20 times. For real. And that shit does not compare to what I am going through right now. A broken heart is nothing. It really is. To you it seems is, but if you read about others' lives, you would realize how you need to stop all this, and move on.
It will help.
Read about other people. Their illnesses, their family lives, how they are paralyzed, ect.. You have it so good. Don't take that for granted.

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Oct. 18th, 2003 06:18 pm (UTC)
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and you don't know jack shit about what i have been through or about the pains of my life. if you think this is the only concern or worry i have, you are sadly mistaken.

assumption is the root of evil.

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~MissTree~

(no subject)

from: misstree75
date: Oct. 19th, 2003 11:01 am (UTC)
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Oh gee.. I was trying to help.
Whatever..
So what have you gone through? Maybe that will help me know.

And I'm evil.. okay.... just because I assumed something? Yeah. okay.. Thanks a lot buddy.

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Oct. 19th, 2003 11:12 am (UTC)
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i dont need to compare notes. just remember that assumptions are often your worst enemy.

my life is far from some fairy tale.

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~MissTree~

(no subject)

from: misstree75
date: Oct. 19th, 2003 11:15 am (UTC)
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Wanna talk about it?
You shouldn't put the blame on other people just because your hurting.
We are all just trying to help.

Oh... and did I ever say your life was a fairy tale?
Assumtion...tsk tsk

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Oct. 19th, 2003 11:22 am (UTC)
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no, but you stated that what i am going through is nothing in comparison to others.

anyway, nah.. i will pass on talking about it. i feel defensive now.

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~MissTree~

(no subject)

from: misstree75
date: Oct. 19th, 2003 11:28 am (UTC)
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No.. you jumped to conclusions. I never said that you don't compare to others. I was stating to look around at other people because other people *do* have worse problems. And that it *helps*.
I understand that when someone tries to kick someone in the ass to help them, rather than pity them, they get all defensive because it is true.
I appologise for pushing some buttons, but I feel that was what I was meant to do. I guess I make people think about things in a different way.

You do realize that she is laughing? You need to fight the pain. You've grieved enough. Now you need to fight.

Take care, good luck.

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~MissTree~

(no subject)

from: misstree75
date: Oct. 19th, 2003 11:31 am (UTC)
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I did compare you to me though. I will state that one. Cuz it seems like nothing.
Sorry about that.. I was trying to help.

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I write and review books.

(no subject)

from: wolfebets
date: Nov. 12th, 2003 07:00 am (UTC)
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I think it's fair to say you just barged in on his private journal and dumped all over a guy who was just talking stuff out. I mean, it is HIS journal. He never asked for anyone to feel sorry for him or asked for advice or said he was worse off than anyone. Of course there's ALWAYS someone worse off than we are, but that doesn't make our situation less painful. Let the guy work thru it, jeez.

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~MissTree~

(no subject)

from: misstree75
date: Nov. 12th, 2003 01:32 pm (UTC)
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Excuse me........... he could of made it "friends only".
He's only looking for pity anyhow, and that doesn't always get someone anywhere in life.
I was trying to help! Why do I get shit for trying to help someone? Comments are allowed here, and everyone has freedom of expression.

Again............ I *was* trying to HELP.

GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Great writings

from: distorquere
date: Jan. 10th, 2004 11:32 am (UTC)
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New to all this LJ stuff, I was downloading a client, and saw your name, so I looked at your journal and read your writings... it is all so deep and beautiful. You really are a good writer. It's a bummer that it springs from angst and distress, but then, all good things are. But keep writing, it's great.

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Tim

Re: Great writings

from: visions
date: Jan. 10th, 2004 12:39 pm (UTC)
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thanks for the compliment.

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