?

Log in

No account? Create an account

(no subject)

« previous entry | next entry »
Sep. 26th, 2003 | 01:36 am

i have spent my entire life striving to make things better for myself and for others. i have went that extra mile so many times before. sadly, it has been too many times. i don't have the energy anymore. i don't have the strength.

i have shed so many tears throughout my life. i have overcome so many things and i am so tired. i can't take any more.

those of you that know me well, know that i have always been a fighter. i have always survived no matter what. those of you that know me like that, know i never give up.

you don't know me anymore.

tonight, i have given up. i sit here in hysterical tears. fighting so many urges. i sit here trying to fight. i can't anymore. i don't have any more in me. i am sorry to have let you all down. i am sorry that i am not who i once was.

everything that i have ever wanted in life can be summed up in one word. happiness. everything that i am, everything that i had.. i would trade 10 times over.

i don't want anything anymore.

Link | Leave a comment | Share

Comments {45}

Smoke Damage

(no subject)

from: smokedamage
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 12:00 am (UTC)
Link

tactical retreat only.

do not give up, there's too few of us left.

failure is only complete when you quit. Don't do it.

courage and strength.

Reply | Thread

Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 07:50 am (UTC)
Link

and sometimes you just can't succeed.

Reply | Parent | Thread

Smoke Damage

(no subject)

from: smokedamage
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 08:16 am (UTC)
Link

it's like trying to find the remote control after a big night. you've got no idea where it went. you look in all the regular places and then give it up for a bad job, and have a cig and watch what you can. After a while, the little rest gets you going again.

Little steps, Tim, you don't need to do it all in one go.

Rest. Recuperate. Reorganise.

Pick up the pieces and then start again.

You got people who care. Take them up on their offers of assistance. Even if it's just for a night of R&R, it helps. The little things are important. So take a break, but don't beat yourself up, eh?

Reply | Parent | Thread

Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 10:10 am (UTC)
Link

i don't want to start again. i wan't what i had.

Reply | Parent | Thread

Smoke Damage

(no subject)

from: smokedamage
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 07:03 pm (UTC)
Link

i know. so take a rest and reconsider your course of action.

rest, recuperate and start again.

Reply | Parent | Thread

Smoke Damage

(no subject)

from: smokedamage
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 12:07 am (UTC)
Link

read this - and know you're not alone.

Reply | Thread

(Deleted comment)

Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 07:52 am (UTC)
Link

i don't believe it anymore. i don't feel i have that strength anymore. not now.

Reply | Parent | Thread

lolsmite

(no subject)

from: scarreddreamer
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 01:59 am (UTC)
Link

-wonders what's going on- I hope everything's ok with you. [hugs]

Reply | Thread

Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 07:52 am (UTC)
Link

things are definitely not okay.

Reply | Parent | Thread

lolsmite

(no subject)

from: scarreddreamer
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 10:39 am (UTC)
Link

I'm sorry to hear that.. Hope things get better. :(

Reply | Parent | Thread

lolsmite

(no subject)

from: scarreddreamer
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 10:40 am (UTC)
Link

BTW.. I think you should act more like your icon.. this mood doesn't seem becoming of you [ ;) ]

Reply | Parent | Thread

Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 12:31 pm (UTC)
Link

sorry.

Reply | Parent | Thread

lolsmite

(no subject)

from: scarreddreamer
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 12:32 pm (UTC)
Link

aww. :( I was just trying to cheer you up..

Reply | Parent | Thread

(no subject)

from: misslizz
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 02:50 am (UTC)
Link

Dude,

feel free to email me, because I would like to talk to you about this more.
misslizz@mentalpopcorn.com

A search for happiness is always going to end in despair... but a search for peace and acceptance is the best fought battle at the end of the day.

No one is infallible, no one is superhuman... don't be so hard on yourself, because you are allowed to break every once in a while. This is the time when those you have been strong for can repay the debt and be your strength.

You need the break to recuperate.

You are in the hearts and minds of many who know you well and those who are yet to know you, such as myself.

Here for you if you feel the need to talk further.

Liz x

Reply | Thread

Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 07:52 am (UTC)
Link

it wasn't a search. it was taken away.

Reply | Parent | Thread

(no subject)

from: misslizz
date: Sep. 28th, 2003 06:35 pm (UTC)
Link

Unfortunately it is taken away from us from time to time. When it is, break... because for whatever reason you have to. It's not a test, its a release... just remember that everything happens to us for a reason, good or bad... and while in the midst of the emotion of it, you may not be able to see the reason it has happened, what it has taught you or what will come your way as a result of it... in time you will. Chin up dude, there's people around you that give a shit :)

Reply | Parent | Thread

Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Sep. 28th, 2003 07:01 pm (UTC)
Link

i fight for those that i love. through the good and the bad.

Reply | Parent | Thread

Cris

(no subject)

from: undecisiveone
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 03:39 am (UTC)
Link

I'm still not exactly sure what this relates to. perhaps love or something of the sort..

your not alone, sweetie.. in this quest for happiness that you are looking for.. beleive me, you are definatley not alone. I'm here if you need me. (You have er had my screen name.. Dreamlolli138) And hell if you wanna talk to me that bad, I'll give you my cell number. lol. Anyways, I'm here.

Reply | Thread

Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 07:53 am (UTC)
Link

love.

Reply | Parent | Thread

Cris

(no subject)

from: undecisiveone
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 11:03 am (UTC)
Link

love can really suck sometimes.

i read through some of the other comments.. and was able to peice some stuff together..

Anyways, I know that there are probably no words that can make it better .. At least for none of us here to say.

If you gave completely of yourself .. then tehre is nothing more that you can do.. I know that it terribly upseting, but I guess you have to let her go on her own.. Perhaps she'll see the truth and come back to you.. If not, then still know that you tried.. I know that it all sounds so simple .. I realize that its really hard.. For someone to just up and suddenly not care .. But you'll survive .. You'll still have pangs of sadness .. and such .. but I suppose its just a messed-up lesson of some sort .. (I'm still trying to figure this one out myself..) Try and learn something.. You have memories.

ANyways, like i said before. If you need anything let me know.

Reply | Parent | Thread

Keila

(no subject)

from: shoegirl2219
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 08:22 am (UTC)
Link

I know you don't know me - but I think lately I'm feeling just as miserable as you - maybe we can help each other out. Email me sometime if you'd like: shoegirl2219@yahoo.com
Having another friend around couldn't hurt, at least I think so anyways.
-Keila

Reply | Thread

Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 10:10 am (UTC)
Link

i am afraid that i am not good company.

Reply | Parent | Thread

(no subject)

from: spydrwomn
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 08:32 am (UTC)
Link

don't know U but I am sure that if you are at the end of it. After you fall there is only one way & that is up. look at it that way. When you fall down it is only natural to get back up. Such as life if it lets you down, be weary but make it better next time.

Reply | Thread

Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 10:12 am (UTC)
Link

how can you make something better if you dont know what made it bad?

Reply | Parent | Thread

My plastic hair is furious!

(no subject)

from: koritsimou
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 08:40 am (UTC)
Link

I don't know how to make it better for you but I desperately want to. Your pain is so tangible. I am here if you ever want to vent to a stranger.

Reply | Thread

Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 10:14 am (UTC)
Link

what would i say? that i am hopelessly in love with someone that doesn't want to be with me anymore? that i gave her everything i was as a person... and it still wasn't enough? that i would never be enough? that i will never be with her again? that she doesn't even want to be friends? that she is going on like nothing changed, like there wasn't a care in the world?

Reply | Parent | Thread

My plastic hair is furious!

(no subject)

from: koritsimou
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 10:20 am (UTC)
Link

say more. say anything you want to. Be angry. be sad. you have that right.

Reply | Parent | Thread

Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 10:25 am (UTC)
Link

i don't want either of those emotions.

Reply | Parent | Thread

Kerrie

(no subject)

from: thisipromiseu03
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 10:03 pm (UTC)
Link

I know that you and I are pretty much strangers, but I just thought that I would let you know that if she really was worth your time or the tears you are crying she would at least show some sympathy or at least that she realizes she hurt you. I was asking the same exact questions you just did in this comment a few months ago, and let me asure you that right now I know you are feeling the worst possible feeling, heart break,and I know this is going to sound cliche, but time does help. It does not make the pain go away like some people say, but it does make it easier. My sn on AOL is ThisIPromiseU03 if you ever need someone to listen. (If it would help to give you any hope, you can look through my journal). Hope you get back up on your feet soon. :) :: huggs::

Reply | Parent | Thread

Kerrie

(no subject)

from: thisipromiseu03
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 10:08 pm (UTC)
Link

hey,its just me again.. I thought that I would add the fact that today (Sept. 27th) would have been me and my ex's 1 yr anniversary,and I'm probably just as sad as you are right now. So,yeah... I'm here if you want to talk.

Reply | Parent | Thread

783

Find that self we all love. . .

from: aem783
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 08:59 am (UTC)
Link

Happiness is a goal that everyone strives to achieve. We can paint our faces with fake smiles. but the truth is, happiness is near impossible.

I'm not happy, ever. for as long as i can remember.

people have hurt me. people have robbed me of love during my darkest moments. and i haven't moved on yet. but i never have stopped the process of moving yet. there's still hope. there has to be hope. . .

the fact of the matter is: please don't give up. there are other people here who need you. most of all you need yourself.

go away. take a vacation.

find that self we all love; that self who writes unbelievably clear thought sometimes vague; that self, who for all those years, never gave up; that self who was and still is a fighter.

Reply | Thread

Tim

Re: Find that self we all love. . .

from: visions
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 10:16 am (UTC)
Link

but the one that i want, doesnt need me, doesnt want me, and isnt with me.

Reply | Parent | Thread

The Fearless Leader

(no subject)

from: dieselhead
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 09:16 am (UTC)
Link

I know we haven't talked in a long while, but hang in there. Life sucks most of the time and there is nothing anyone can do about it, other then make the most of the situations that are handed to us. Don't give up, things will get better.

Reply | Thread

Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 10:18 am (UTC)
Link

things like this never get better, people just let it go and try to move past it.

i dont want to let go.

Reply | Parent | Thread

Darling Nikki

(no subject)

from: darlingnikki02
date: Sep. 28th, 2003 12:47 pm (UTC)
Link

I had the same thing happen to me about a year and a half ago. I didn't know which way was up, I was totally lost, devastated, and confused. I did not know what it was that I did that abruptly ended our relationship. I never ever thought I would love or even care again. But honestly, now that I look back, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I know you don't want to hear that or can even conceive of it, trust me..I know. But seriously, all of this is happening for a reason...you'll see. Talk to someone, that is what I did. I talked to one of my best friends on the phone every night and he really boosted me up when I was feeling bad about myself. I don't think I could have gotten through it without him. When you feel up to it, you need to surround yourself with people who love you AND do things that make you feel good, buy yourself something, treat yourself. Time can be good because it really does help, but yet it takes so long. You will be ok because you are strong. Even though you say you give up, you won't, because strong people never do.

I know you are hurting and it really does touch me because I know what you are going through. Just be strong and keep your head. xoxoxo

Reply | Parent | Thread

Jocelyne Elizabeth

i don't want anything anymore....

from: shedevra
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 10:51 am (UTC)
Link

Greetings Tim, this is my first time to livejournal, it was sent to me by a very dear friend, and in the process of learning about this program, i was told that i needed a "client" and so for some reason i chose "visions". May i introduce myself?..*giggles as this is onesided conversation so forgive me i'll just carry on. My name is Jocelyne Elizabeth and i am someone who firmly believes in fate and thus for everything there is a time place and purpose although we don't always know what it is at the time. After reading this page in Your journal, when I read this page however, I feel so much pain and unhappiness that it literally made my heart ache.If i could reach across the miles and wrap my arms around you at this moment I most certainly would. If there is anything that I can do or help by sharing, please...send a note..an email..please don't give up, come and rest, let me lift you up on my wings and give you peace..even if it is but just for a moment in time. Love, Laughter and Happiness is just around the corner....

Reply | Thread

Tim

Re: i don't want anything anymore....

from: visions
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 12:32 pm (UTC)
Link

i am sorry i made you hurt with my pain. i would take it back if i could.

Reply | Parent | Thread

Rennie Poo

(no subject)

from: psyche212
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 05:49 pm (UTC)
Link

don't really know u but i thought u could use one of these

*hugs*

Reply | Thread

Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 06:50 pm (UTC)
Link

thanks.

Reply | Parent | Thread

Rennie Poo

(no subject)

from: psyche212
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 06:53 pm (UTC)
Link

you are very welcome =] any time u need one just give me a call and i'll always have free hugs available

er that sounded kinda cheesy but o well heh

Reply | Parent | Thread

lost&found

(no subject)

from: imperfect_gurl
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 06:00 pm (UTC)
Link

:(

i'm sorry tim.

Reply | Thread

Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 06:51 pm (UTC)
Link

i wish i could describe how i feel. the only thing that i have though, is a tear filled face of pain and regret.

Reply | Parent | Thread

Don't give up...

from: anonymous
date: Sep. 27th, 2003 06:02 am (UTC)
Link

Hey please don't give up. This has happened to me about a month ago. You have to realize that there are other people that is almost or even better in there own way just like... But please keep God in your life if you don't have him. Please get him some way.

stay with it...
Lots of Love
Anonymous

Reply | Parent | Thread

abstrusely wholesome

(no subject)

from: swandiverli
date: Sep. 26th, 2003 07:52 pm (UTC)
Link

I feel so much the same.

Reply | Thread

Brandy P.

(no subject)

from: brandyp
date: Oct. 3rd, 2003 01:27 am (UTC)
Link

ohh =(

Reply | Thread