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Jun. 4th, 2002 | 04:10 pm

more rollercoasters.

i am confused. she is confused. we are both happy, yet both sad.

she wants to "date" me..

i wish i knew what i wanted to do. i know i want to be with her, but at the same time.. i don't. i know that i don't want her "dating" anyone else if she is dating me, but i also know that i can't ask for that.. because that would equate to exclusivity.. aka.. a relationship. she doesn't want a relationship... yet she wants me still.

she has been with 2 people since we broke up. i haven't slept with anyone since then. that bothers me as well. and i still love her, no matter how much i don't want to or how much i know it is bad for me.

gah. *explodes*

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Comments {23}

world leader pretend

I've been here before...

from: sean
date: Jun. 4th, 2002 02:16 pm (UTC)
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Being unsure usually means you should step back from things for a little while.

Unsureness kills people, and looks like you're becoming the victim of a slow killing.

The both happy, both sad thing will continue for a long time.

God, if only you knew how much I could relate. I'm here for you if you want to talk about it with me sometime.

-Sean

P.S I don't remember how I found your journal...but I did, so there!

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Tim

Re: I've been here before...

from: visions
date: Jun. 4th, 2002 02:20 pm (UTC)
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time isnt really something i have these days. god has seen to that.

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jaded

(no subject)

from: flown
date: Jun. 4th, 2002 02:24 pm (UTC)
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considering the history you have with her, i think the best thing for you to do emotionally is to back away. she's fucked you up at least twice already...who's to say it won't happen again? she obviously is unsure about what she wants from you, and she's going to keep reeling you in and backing away over and over.

i know how tempting it is to run back to love, but from what i've seen, she's really not doing you any good. you don't deserve to keep getting hurt.

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Jun. 4th, 2002 02:37 pm (UTC)
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yes, i know. that is the best advice... the "right thing".. but something inside me won't let me do it.

i tried walking away. i couldn't.. for so many reasons.

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world leader pretend

Understandable..

from: sean
date: Jun. 4th, 2002 02:40 pm (UTC)
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It's hard to see something that good in your eyes go wrong in any way.

Part of the self has problems admitting things to the other part of the self. It's a painful process...

Also, if you want to sleep with someone, just do things, community events. Meet people, lots of people. As long as you increase your opportunities, your chances go up at meeting someone nice again.

I know you don't have a lot of time, but if you want something bad enough it can be accomplished..usually.

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Tim

Re: Understandable..

from: visions
date: Jun. 4th, 2002 03:05 pm (UTC)
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i have been out on many dates and had several opportunities to have sex if i wanted to, but.. i couldn't. my heart still belongs to her. i can't betray that.. even if i am not with her right now. it wouldn't be fair to her, and it wouldn't be fair to the girl i slept with either.

random sex is not my thing. i am not that type of person. it means something, it always will... no matter how many people i have slept with or how many i will sleep with in the future.

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world leader pretend

Re: Understandable..

from: sean
date: Jun. 4th, 2002 03:14 pm (UTC)
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Thank god you're a person like that. I've never been fond of people who partake in the random sex thing.

Your heart will most likely always belong to her, at least a piece of it.

You just have to try to go with the flow. Whatever happens happens. Just don't get expectations or hopes up.

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Tim

Re: Understandable..

from: visions
date: Jun. 4th, 2002 09:17 pm (UTC)
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sometimes i hate the fact that i have morals.. that i am a "good person". it would be so much easier without them... but nevertheless, i know better than that. i would rather have dignity, than shame.

as for going with the flow, i fear that the flow is going to drown me... but like a strong current, i can't get out. somehow, there is safety and comfort in being carried away out of your control. fear is also strong in that same situation.

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My plastic hair is furious!

(no subject)

from: koritsimou
date: Jun. 4th, 2002 02:49 pm (UTC)
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*hugs*

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Jun. 4th, 2002 03:05 pm (UTC)
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hugs are always good... but i already exploded. you are hugging my debris. :-\

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world leader pretend

Suggestion

from: sean
date: Jun. 4th, 2002 03:16 pm (UTC)
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I know i've been posting here a lot, sorry if it's getting old...

Writing seems to be a common interest that we share. Try writing some poetry or something, it usually helps trying to put feelings into words. Gives you a little relief, anyway.

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Tim

Re: Suggestion

from: visions
date: Jun. 4th, 2002 09:18 pm (UTC)
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if you didn't notice, i write a lot of poetry.

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Joy Is  Up To You

run

from: joyfull
date: Jun. 4th, 2002 06:50 pm (UTC)
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don't walk

LOVE is not this difficult
Love does not hurt
love is not this

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Tim

Re: run

from: visions
date: Jun. 4th, 2002 09:32 pm (UTC)
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then what do you call it?

i go to sleep at night with her on my mind.
when she isnt around, i think of her.
when i am sad, all i have to do is look at her and i feel better.
when i am not with her, i feel like something is missing.
when i am with her, i feel complete.

there is so much more.

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You Don't Know Me...

from: gusgus81
date: Jun. 4th, 2002 07:01 pm (UTC)
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in fact, i'm not even sure how i found your posts, but i'm glad i did. you seem to be a very sweet and loving man. your feelings are very obvious and blunt as though you wear your heart on your sleaves. that can be a good thing, as well as a bad. i am so sorry for all of the pain you are going through right now, and i know you don't know me, but i hope you will believe me when i tell you it will pass. i know of the pain and suffering, and frustration that you speak. i went through it so many times in a four year relationship, and to be honest it almost killed me. i wish that kind of pain upon no one. the thing that did me the most good was to let go completley. i always believe in the rule about "if it's meant to be it will be" and so i let it be seen wether or not it was meant to be, and for me it wasn't. my ex fiance and i broke up 2 years ago, and now he is happily married with a brand new baby boy, and i am engaged. life always picks up, and i hope that for you it will to. please do not let this woman, or relationship, drag you down. you seem to have so much love and hope to share with the world, or with one special woman. there are millions of women out there who are looking for the kind of love you posses, please just don't let it go to waste. i hope i did not offend you. please take care of yourself. if you would like to post a response to what i have said go ahead. i hope things get better for you.

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Tim

Re: You Don't Know Me...

from: visions
date: Jun. 4th, 2002 09:34 pm (UTC)
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the thing is, i don't want to let go. that is the only thing i am sure of. *sigh*

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Re: You Don't Know Me...

from: gusgus81
date: Jun. 4th, 2002 10:31 pm (UTC)
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didn't you say earlier that you wish you knew what you wanted to do? if you still wonder then how can you know for certain that you don't want to let go completely? it really does seem a lot harder than it is but eventually you will go on with your life. i'm not trying to be rude or cruel or anything, but it seems to me that she is playing you for a fool. now bare in mind that i do not know the whole situation, but it seems to me that she is going out and dating all these other guys, and only running back to you when they don't want her, or when she realizes she doesn't want them anymore. it seems to me that she is afraid of being alone. that feeling is the worst in the world, but sometimes it takes being alone to teach someone what is important in life. if she really is in love with you she will keep going from guy to guy, and then eventually after a long spell of having no one she will realize her love for you and then come back (did that make any sense to you?). now that is assuming that she really is in love with you, if she's not then she will end up doing the same thing i did. i broke up with the man i thought i was in love with and ended up alone, and in that time i not only found myself, but found the man i really am in love with. life is nothing but chance, and you have a lot of time to live it. just try to date around(not necessarily sleep around), and open up your heart a little. don't be so closed off on a date, try to have fun, to enjoy yourself. you never know, there could be another woman out there for you. someone who will want all of the love and affection you have to give. she will never replace this woman in your heart as you will always love her, but she will help you to feel complete, without all the pain that you feel now. you just have to let it happen.



p.s.
sorry i keep writing such long posts

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Tim

Re: You Don't Know Me...

from: visions
date: Jun. 4th, 2002 10:37 pm (UTC)
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that is a grand plan, except i am dying. i don't have the time to execute it.

i understand exactly what you are saying though... and i have to take it to heart, because it is truth in many ways.

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world leader pretend

Re: You Don't Know Me...

from: sean
date: Jun. 5th, 2002 02:34 am (UTC)
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If you're dying, literally, then it's even more true that you have to move on with your life. Also, if you're dying, then I'm extremely sad to say the world will lose a wonderful person, poet, and hopeless romantic. In otherwords, practically my brother.

Some things are fondest when they're memories and you can forget about painful memories and keep the good ones surrounding a person.

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Tim

Re: You Don't Know Me...

from: visions
date: Jun. 5th, 2002 09:25 am (UTC)
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a day from the past

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(no subject)

from: ex_shee
date: Jun. 4th, 2002 09:01 pm (UTC)
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Hey Tim,

I wish I knew what to say or do to help you feel better =/ Just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you too. Things will look up again, you'll see...

*hug*

:) G'nite.


S.

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Jun. 4th, 2002 10:34 pm (UTC)
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thanks sweetie.

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KeEz

(no subject)

from: dejavuagain3
date: Jun. 5th, 2002 09:17 am (UTC)
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"The course of true love will never run smoothly." ~Shakespeare

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