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something to remember

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Feb. 5th, 2001 | 03:50 am
mood: ever more tears

this is something that I have told pretty much no one except my closest friends and something I have rarely even said. however, I feel the need to say it. I am not looking for sympathy, nor am I looking for help. I just feel like speaking.

I have an undiagnosed heart condition. effectively, I have mild heart attacks for no apparent reason at all. I black out, sharp pains, heart stops beating... then a few seconds later... my heart starts again. I have been checked out and no problems were found. no explanation given.

during one visit, it happened while being examined. I was hooked up to some machine when it happened, and the doctor got some readings. a few weeks later, I was called in and told that if things continue at the rate that they are.. my heart will deteriorate in 3 years to the point that I will need a transplant.

I don't believe them. I refused to be put on the waiting list. I walked out of the office. I never went back.

I did not do so out of stupidity, but I did do it out of spite. my body has always been fucked up. ever since I was born there have been complications. it has made it this far, and if it wants to give up.. then so do I.

I hope that they were wrong. I hope that I am alive to turn 23. each day though, my heart acts stranger... each day though... I fear that they were right. I have never feared death, but now... I crave life.

so if in the end I do die... if they were right... I just wanted to say for once, that I have enjoyed life.

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Comments {14}

siren-something

(no subject)

from: meow
date: Feb. 5th, 2001 02:06 am (UTC)
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wow.

but you know..there is nothing cowardly about asking for help..ask yourself what is more important..life, or pride?

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Feb. 5th, 2001 07:29 am (UTC)
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for me, the answer is pride.

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siren-something

Re:

from: meow
date: Feb. 5th, 2001 07:37 am (UTC)
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why?

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Feb. 5th, 2001 07:48 am (UTC)
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i have almost died a few times, but my body pulled through for me when no one thought it would. giving up on it is betraying it... and that is betraying me.

it has made it this far, it hasnt given up... so if i give up then i dont deserve to have it.

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siren-something

Re:

from: meow
date: Feb. 5th, 2001 07:55 am (UTC)
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it's not giving up on it..it's doing it a favour..it's aiding it..

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Isis

(no subject)

from: isis
date: Feb. 5th, 2001 05:22 am (UTC)
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Be careful, at least.

One of my good friends died a week or two after his 24th birthday. The reason: Heart complications. For months until his birthday, he was in and out of the hospital and operations. He finally died after two heart attacks in a row after, I believe, his body rejected the pacemaker. They put in the pacemaker after his body rejected a transplant. This was over four years ago now, and it's funny how fuzzy the memories get...

And all his problems simply started with a heart murmur...

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She's alright.

(no subject)

from: pamcash
date: Feb. 5th, 2001 09:57 am (UTC)
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Please, if you crave life, do all you can to continue with it. It would make me sad if my little dancing friend died.

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Tim

(no subject)

from: visions
date: Feb. 5th, 2001 11:16 am (UTC)
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yes, but that brings up the point of fallacy. is a life of betrayal or lies worth living? one of the things that i hold dear is my pride in who i am. if i invalidate that by changing the physical makeup of who i am (someone elses heart) then i betray the one thing that i cherish about my life.

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(no subject)

from: anonymous
date: Feb. 5th, 2001 01:17 pm (UTC)
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oh god. please hang on to your breath...

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GO AWAY

please...

from: capricious
date: Feb. 5th, 2001 02:02 pm (UTC)
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You have many more poems to write and you can't do that buried 6ft under and as for pride, just like all your wordily possessions you don't take it with you. Seek help, their is no shame in that. Especially if it will prolong your life. Do what you have to do to be at your best.

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Tim

Re: please...

from: visions
date: Feb. 5th, 2001 02:39 pm (UTC)
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the doctors dont know what to do to help.
they were wrong about my lungs when i was born. they are probably wrong now as well. my body is far from being standard issue. it is a long story, but trust me in saying that my body never behaves how the doctors expect it to.

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(no subject)

from: indirection
date: Feb. 5th, 2001 06:57 pm (UTC)
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The only problem with first impressions is that you're only able to make them once. (wait, is that some jaded phrase I just used?) I come in peace, truly.

I wish you wouldn't view it as some sort of betrayal to yourself by taking another's heart. Not when it means by doing so you continue life. One's pride can be destructive. There are too many sunsets yet to be seen, and twenty-two is too young.

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helena.

(no subject)

from: tootsie_roll
date: Jun. 7th, 2002 10:41 pm (UTC)
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somehow i was led to this post ... and i know yer not looking for sympathy, so i don't know how much you'll care for me to say this - but i am sorry. heart problems have taken the life of an uncle, and threatened my dad's life. while i don't know how you feel, i just hope you can take some comfort in yer friends and family. i wish you the best, tim. and take care.

that is all.

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life

from: fishie01
date: Dec. 7th, 2002 12:59 am (UTC)
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one of your more recent posts had a link to this one. so i am just reading this now. i can see why so many people (i'm sure more than who posted here) try to talk you into changing your mind on this decision. i also see that i am not you- & since i'm not in your position, i have no right to tell you that. of course i desire for you to be healthy & to not have any health concerns, but i respect your decision. i pray you keep proving those doctors wrong! *hugs*

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